Happy Housewife Post 1950's Style

When Kort and I got married, one of the cute gag gifts we got (I got) was a book on the Happy Housewife with pictures, 1950's style, of a woman vacuuming the house with a huge smile, etc. Well, even though I'd like to laugh and pretend I am above the conflict about being a stay at home mother and "housewife," I am quite sensitive and frankly, struggling to find some meaning and purpose in my stage of life.  In fact, the reason I haven't posted anything for weeks is because I started a blog in response to articles in Slate and The Wall Street Journal about feminism and women's liberation. There is so much to say and I have so few concrete conclusions on the matter that I am temporarily hanging that one on a hook in the back of my mind to set. 

Whatever my opinions about the value of womanhood, work, and motherhood, I do need some talking-to as a stay at home mother. I need a regular doozy of a pep talk. Or I'm going to just sit in the doldrums of early motherhood, squalid in self-pity, making my poor husband miserable not to mention, myself. This is all probably sounding melodramatic. I'm sure one could say, "What does she have to be miserable about? She has a beautiful, healthy, sweet baby, a lovely marriage and home!" True, true. How thankful I am for this when I dwell on it! But I'm a sinner who struggles with contentment. Also, being at home with a baby is difficult because care giving is difficult and draining as anyone who has been a caregiver knows (need I explain? Loss of sleep, lack of freedom, etc.). On top of the normal associations with caregiving, our society does not value people who stay at home with children, thus it can be demoralizing.  I am assuming others must struggle in the same situation. Let's encourage one another as Paul says, "Addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Ephesians 5:19-20.  

These are challenges to myself that are practical applications (ok, some of them just survival tricks) of my desire to refocus on God. May they help you. Customize them! And give me feedback and your tips, too!

The pep talk: 

• PRAY: Even if you have to start with "Lord, I don't want to have a good attitude. I want to feel sorry for myself. I want to complain. Help me even want to act like your child!" it will be worth talking to your Creator who has a purpose for you and who is working all things for your good.
• READ SCRIPTURE! Get at least one verse in your head each day. Because you are tired, for emphasis and repetition, write it down in your pretty little bird-y notebook you spent too much money on in Chattanooga all those years ago and which you have been saving for who knows what. 
• Play music. Use Pandora. Dance! Take your baby's little hands and find a good oldie song. Go to it! 
• Write a thank you note to someone. (There are probably plenty of people who might read this and say, "Why yes, I never did get a thank you note from that ungrateful Dorothy Peterson to whom I gave such a nice gift.") This will take your mind off yourself, aside from the guilt trip.
• Quit self-denigrating as in the above bullet point. You are neither as worthless nor as wonderful as you would like to think. When the tape in your head begins to play "Dumb Dorothy," have a Bible verse ready. (Again, see above bullet point.) Only God has a right perspective of you so have that perspective handy. As your African Proverb calendar said, "You are what you think."
• Do Something. When the blues hit, get up, walk outside, clean the kitchen, make the bed, etc. 
• As you are doing the "Something" and are tempted to be discouraged about that "Something" being the task you have to do, a.k.a. mopping the floor, vacuuming, doing laundry, and you begin to say to yourself, "Did I get a degree for this? Did I really think I wanted to keep house for at least a decade while I have young children?" direct your thoughts two ways:
• One: think like Christ who was the ultimate servant with no earthly benefits or recognition. For a fallible example, turn to Brother Lawrence. This requires that you read his book called Practicing the Presence of God. He was a cook in a monastery, I believe, and didn't think he was very important. But he came to some powerful conclusions about servanthood. This will also exercise your mind so you can say, "Yes, it is important to get a degree, because honed cognitive ability will come to my aid even in this time of life." 
• Two: put yourself in your family members' shoes. Think of your dear husband. Would you want to work all day to come home to a wife who is grumpy and self-pitying and feeling worthless? Would you want to be the baby of a mother who thinks taking care of you feels unimportant?
• When you feel a fit of cabin fever coming on, do NOT turn inward on yourself!! Get in the car and go SOMEWHERE. 
• When all else fails and you feel inner combustion coming on, go to the "Back Up," "Trick Up The Sleeve," Last Resort. Go to a store that sells ritzy food. Get one of those really nice chocolate bars and a bottle of your favorite drink (Sweet Leaf Tea anyone?- note I am NOT advocating booze in the middle of the day with your infant in arms). :) Go home. Sit in a sunny, comfy spot. If necessary, ignore your crying child temporarily. Open the chocolate package, eat. Drink. While you read the back of the chocolate box with the maker's bio, you can even give a sarcastic sass-wag head shake and say, "I went to Vanderbilt, too. I could have travelled the world experiencing culinary delights and start a chocolate company selling the delights of Himalayan pink salt and caramel. I could have my hair perfectly coifed for the box picture-when was the last time I fixed my hair properly and put on makeup?" And then remember God has a plan for your life that is perfectly tailored for you! 
• Plan something to anticipate. If you're feeling unloved by your husband who loves you, write a little letter saying, "Dear one, would you help me out of the doldrums by surprising me with ____________ fill in the blank."  Don't expect him to understand what you need without communication. 
• As you started the pep-talk with prayer, end with prayer. Each night, with your husband, pray. Each day, think of several things for which to thank God. 

If my life now were printed as a "Happy Housewife" book, it wouldn't look like the false smiling pictures that are the stereotypical focus of denouncement in the 60's and 70's and beyond, fodder for the gag gift I received. But it would look like some smiles and a lot of genuine struggle. Praise God he is sanctifying us every day and that He promises us not necessarily happiness but ultimate fulfillment in Christ, which is even better. 

Myths about "Natural Birthing" from my experience

About two months before Kort and I found we were expecting sweet Rosemary, I stumbled upon The Business of Being Born on Netflix. I was hooked. I must have watched it three or four times, tearing up when the moms pushed their babies out, birthing in bathtubs and standing up. And I still think it must be one of the most amazing experiences! But there are plenty of things I've learned about pregnancy and birthing by my own experience that I wish I could have internalized before going through the process. 

I now have a library of books about birthing without pain medication or intervention filled with stories of women who birthed by midwife, at home or in the hospital, with no epidural or problem. Their titles include Birthing from Within, Ina May's Guide to Natural Child Birth, The Bradley Method Workbook, etc. These are great, but statistics are slippery things and can be easily skewed. For instance, the statistic that women who get epidurals are at a 700% likelihood to experience incontinence from the Cath- um, maybe for a week after! But not permanently. And the French Doc on the documentary telling you that you'll screw up the love cocktail of hormones that help you love your baby if you get an epidural or pitocin (and gives the example of how animals who didn't birth their babies vaginally abandoned them) is a little confused about the hierarchy of mammals- humans were created differently! God gave us the ability even to adopt and love love love those babies, too. Guess what? I (who had an emergency c-section) am delightedly in love with my little daughter, even on days like today when she won't eat and screams bloody murder just to hear her new vocal range skills after going through a growth spurt. And I have a temper! It amazes me how gentle I can be when she's yelling at me! Did I hear you say, "Yeah, so far," under your breath? :) 


There are things those books and the documentary portray that are true. For instance, growing and birthing a baby IS a woman's battle. Some cultures respect the mother as a warrior because she did just fight a battle physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. And medicine is often unnecessarily administered during pregnancy and birth. Also, physicians often can't spend time nurturing a pregnant woman the way she needs, talking to her about her fears and the process, insuring she is mentally and emotionally healthy on the journey as well as physically. They probably do see a woman as more of a patient and as one box to check off during their busy day and less as a midwife would see a woman relationally, see the pregnancy as a right of passage for the mother. 


BUT. All that talk about contractions being "waves" of muscle tightening that are empowering you and not something to villainize? Maybe. Like the waves off the coast of Hawaii that would drown you in a second if you aren't Michael Phelps. The talk about contractions not being pain but being signals to help you get into the right position to better prepare the baby to come out? Definitely.  Just like having a heap of wasp stings tells you not to stick your hand in the nest (but the debilitating pain at the point of being stung so many times probably will prohibit you from moving without help just as the woman in labor isn't logically thinking, oh, yes, this pain tells me to move this way, which is why we want other women around to help direct us). The talk about epidurals being for women who don't know what's best for the baby or worse, know, but don't care because they're selfish? Yes, much like women who are selfish and want morphine for a limb amputation. OR the talk about women who are duped into some western way of medicine that brain washes them into thinking they can't birth their baby without pain relief? Maybe and sometimes, just like you're worse off for not having to walk two miles to and from school uphill both ways in the snow (and I am saying "maybe" without sarcasm here, because some of us would probably be better if we had to walk everywhere and sometimes it would be good if we didn't have modern conveniences like processed foods).  The talk about c-sections being so negative, cold and unkind to the mother? Yes, much like having to get a shot is not a warm fuzzy experience but if you had to choose the pain of a shot or to contract tetanus, polio, or tuberculosis, the shot might suddenly look like a sweet, cuddly teddy bear, non? (Yes, some c-sections are elective and without good reason, just as sometimes people get a little hypochondriac-esque and get Rx's they don't need, but there is a backlash against c-sections to the point of defying logic. For instance, I'd rather have a c-section than 100 stitches down there and be out of commission for 9 months.)


My post-birth perspective is probably pretty obvious from the above statements. But just to be clear, I did have an emergency c-section after reading oodles of positive medicine free birth stories, writing a flexible but comprehensive no-intervention birth plan, taking birthing classes, hiring a doula, renting a birthing tub, and sitting on a birthing ball for hours on end before labor. Things just happen. And ten weeks later, (now that the birth and first horrible four weeks are a bit hazy), I can say that I'm ok with birthing by cesarian. I made it without intervention 'til basically 10 centimeters dilated. But I had horrid 'back labor" due to Rosemary's position. She wasn't dropping. And I really didn't want to push for three hours without relief, having been in labor for over 12 hours at that point already. Maybe she would have come out fast, maybe not. But I had been 10 centimeters dilated for good while and had no urge to push. Maybe there would have been complete relief from the pain during pushing but maybe not. Not all women experience that relief. I consider the anesthesiologist administering the epidural to me as an action of compassion to a suffering woman. Maybe I would have had to have the c-section regardless of epidural.  Maybe the epidural caused me to have to have the c-section. We'll never know. 


But I know I can be thankful I have a healthy baby and I am healthy. I know I can be thankful c-sections are possible and that Dr. Barnes was present, patiently watching me labor without intervention and stepping in when he saw Rosemary's vitals drop to a consistently low level, even during breaks from contractions. I know Rosemary must have been in distress because her APGAR score was a 2. And I now know having a c-section doesn't make me a weak sister or  a lazy sister or a sister who hasn't done her homework about the process. Having a c-section to me means I am one providentially fortunate sister who didn't die on the wagon road from exhaustion at trying to birth a nearly 9lb baby. 


If someone had shared this story on the Business of Being Born, I might have been a little more flexible and felt a little less like a failure for not birthing naturally. 

Eight weeks ago, this Peterson family had a baby! Rosemary Ruth Jeanne Peterson was born May 18, 2012 at 8:02pm weighing 8lbs 14oz and measuring 20 1/5 inches long. 



I've been meaning to start a blog since my mother's death which was the last occasion for writing. I had a carepage for health updates as she struggled with lung cancer. After marrying my dear husband in 20011, I attempted another blog called "An Old Soul" that kind of fizzled out. So much has happened since then. It seems that there are periods in life when things are felt so intensely one either must write about them or can't at all. There are times when changes occur at such a rapid pace that there simply isn't time to write. 


Being the sort of person who usually shares everything and regrets it later, I'm surprised as I look at my diary to find that the last entry was in September of 2012 after we found out we were expecting Rosemary. I went an entire 9 1/2 months without writing! And that during one of the most emotional, physical trials a woman can endure. 


All this to say, it's time to get back in the saddle. Perhaps the problem is not having such an acute subject like my mother's battle with cancer on which to write. But here it is, a blog, like lots of others' blogs, about daily life in this family.